Don't Call Me Sweetie

**Disclaimer: Angry rant and foul language below, proceed with caution.**

 

Working in the horse industry, I hear a lot of people getting frustrated with their horse’s reluctance to do certain things. We all know horses have hang ups, especially young ones. Trailers are scary, getting caught is scary, anything moving is scary, anything NOT moving is scary…the list goes on. Often I hear something to the effect of, “He’s so stupid, it’s not going to hurt him…” Also, I see a lot of people getting angry, “She just won’t do what I ask, makes me want to beat her.” I will openly admit horses can be the most frustrating beings on earth. I will admit there are times where it’s necessary to get slightly more aggressive with a horse for the sake of safety. However, the thing that gets me angry, is when I see people misinterpreting a horse’s FEAR as disobedience or stupidity. 

“What does the horse have to fear? I feed him, take care of him, and I’ve never hurt him…” Okay. Great point human person, can you explain that to the horse? No. No you can’t. All the horse knows is what it sees. Have you ever stopped and considered what you look like to a horse? Seriously think about it. First of all, you’re standing on two freaking legs. Who does that? T-Rex does that, attacking bears do that, horses do that when they’re in the middle of a fight to the death. There’s no four-limbed animal that only walks on two legs that doesn’t pose a threat. So fan-freaking-tastic that you mean the horse no harm. You literally walk in on two legs looking like a dinosaur. At least bears and horses come back down to four legs…you just magically stay up there, leaving two limbs free to attack. That’s your first impression. That’s what they see first.

Lets work our way up now. Since we aren’t using our front legs for walking, they are free to attack at any time. Wait, what the hell is that at the end of your levitating front legs?!!? OH, holy shit, it’s the WORLDS LONGEST CLAWS! Seriously, look at your hands. Think about how long your damn fingers are. They do not know about fingers. There’s no way for them to guess that our digits aren’t just giant long double-sided razor-edged claws.

Continuing up…My what an incredibly short neck you have. You know what else has short necks? Cheetahs. Wolves. Alligators. Pretty much anything that doesn’t need a long neck to reach for grass and leaves on account of it’s just going to kill something to eat. Clearly you aren’t going to eat grass, so therefore you need to kill to eat. How could the horse possibly know it’s not your next meal?

Finally, reach up and poke yourself in the eyes. Did you notice where those things are located? Right in the front of your stupid face. Where are your horse’s eyes located? Yep, on the side of their face. It’s almost sort-of kind-of like one of those eye positions is adapted for a predator animal and one is adapted for a prey animal….weird. So even if you only have love for the horse, your eyes are staring at him like death lasers because he knows that predators have eyes on the front for hunting. He has eyes on the side for looking out for assholes trying to eat him. He can’t grasp that fact, but his flight response will be triggered, because evolution has taught animals that certain characteristics mean death.

So here you are…literally looking like a monster that’s on the top of the food chain (which by the way, you are, so the horse isn’t exactly out of line with his assumptions.)  You’re thinking, “Okay, but I have no intention to hurt the horse, I’ve never hurt him before, he has no reason to fear me.” Let me tell you why that’s horse shit. When I was 17, I was working in the mountains of Colorado guiding horse back rides. I was staying in a little cabin in the forest, and one night, a black bear opened the sliding window and walked his furry little ass into my bedroom while I was sleeping. You better believe I nearly pissed myself. I was completely terrified. Now, wait a minute…that bear had never hurt me before…he didn’t intend to hurt me then…he had no idea I was in there. So why the fear? BECAUSE IT WAS A GOD DAMN BEAR! It doesn’t matter if I wasn’t in danger; the thing looked dangerous and my brain reacted to that information. The same goes for a horse. You look like a beast, their brain reacts like you are a beast.

So lets take this a little further. Lets say that bear didn’t hightail it out after he realized I was there, but instead made it semi-clear through charades and interpretive dance that he wanted to tie a string to my face and have me follow him around when he pulled on it. More than that, he wants to strap a dead animal hide to my back and sit on it while I tote him around from place to place. That’s just silly right….RIGHT?! Oh wait, that’s exactly what we expect horses to do, and then we get frustrated when they seem scared or unsure. Are you kidding me? Humans are insane. It is certifiable to think a horse shouldn’t be scared just because nothing bad has happened so far. They are conditioned with a flight response for a reason: survival. Pretending that response is stupidity on the horse’s part is actually ignorance on your part.

We are lucky enough that horses are forgiving creatures who somehow, for God knows why, eventually end up giving us their trust. We need to remember how absurd the things we ask them to do are, and more incredibly, the fact that they actually end up doing those things for us despite everything we do being scary as hell. You talk to them in a soft voice? Wow, ever heard a dog growl? It’s not loud at all, but it sure is scary. Mr. Ed doesn’t really speak English, those sounds are not comforting them. Yes, I talk to horses, but it’s because I’m trying to help control my energy and their energy, not because I’m foolish enough to think for a second they know what I’m saying.

So next time a young horse is scared to get caught, or your old gelding is scared of a plastic bag, put yourself in their man-made shoes. (Another example of something they let us do for no reason that’s feasible to them…here let me hammer a piece of metal to your foot, no big deal.) They aren’t scared because they don’t know anything. They’re scared because the information they have is flipping scary and they’re reacting in a totally natural way. So take a long hard look in the mirror, human monster, and realize you need to cut the horse some slack and appreciate the fact they ever even let your scary ass near them.